BECOMING GODLY CHARACTERS

It’s been a while since my last episode but I’ve been pacing myself and learning how to adjust each day as time sluggishly carries out it’s duty.  The same is true for the children who are all doing their best to take each day in strides. For me, every day is different; there are days when I feel okay… then there are days when I feel like a part of me is missing and it’s so hard to even smile… for those days, I am thankful that we’re wearing masks 😷 because then I can take my time to muster up a genuine smile from my heart (slowly but surely). There are also days when I’d rather sit alone in the quietness of the moment and listen to the voice of my Father as He pours into me His words of comfort. Regardless of how I feel throughout each day, I take time to be patient with myself. I find that being patient … with me… is wholesome; it helps me to keep focus on my journey. 

I cannot begin to imagine how people who do not know Jesus in a personal way, handle the emotional stresses and physical demands of losing a loved one. It is hard! Did I say VERY HARD? Every day requires tremendous strength, willpower, and hope to face the thoughts and void that are left behind by absence.  The void leaves an emptiness that takes time and energy to be filled up. I find though, that this is natural and quite normal for grieving but as time works hard to bring healing, we must be very careful and alert about how we fill our emptiness.  In our vulnerability, it’s quite easy to turn to self-destructive habits and undefined pathways; our minds search for ways to ease the pain and we grapple to restore normalcy and joy.  Truth be told, the journey to wellness can only be found in our Creator; His power works best in weakness (2 Corinthians 12: 9). 

During my own experiences and in my solemn moments, I hide myself in songs and spiritual hymns. I speak less and listen more. I feed on sermons… not just surface sermons, but through the help of the Holy Spirit, I tune in to sermons that minister and bring healing. My choices during this season become crucial because it is during these times of emotional turbulence that the enemy brings doubts, temptation, and distractions; it is during these seasons of brokenness that we can start to feel overwhelmed with the insecurities offered by the world. I realized that these critical seasons can either make us stay sad and broken indefinitely or we can choose to heal with time.  I chose the latter. As the Journey progresses and with all the strength I can muster, I find myself pressing through my emotions to keep my heart and mind on Jesus.  This choice helps me significantly! I am confident that God is not expecting us to carry our burdens alone… He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust (Psalm 103: 14)… so just by saying to Him, “I really need You” or “help me today… please!”, is just one way I bring Him into my circle… and thankfully, He always comes with His gift of peace. 

Life is filled with the good, the bad, and the in between… at some point, whether directly or indirectly, we will deal with grief. When we do,  let’s not become despondent; grieving is no easy feat but let’s do our best to remember that God promised never to leave us nor forsake us… even in our losses.   Sit and ponder, ride the time machine of healing, run the race set before you but while you’re sitting, riding or running, choose also to sing of the goodness of God. His grace is sufficient for us!

Until such time, walk good!

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Who knew that losing a loved one could feel so draining? Experiencing immediate family loss and grief is incomparable to anything I have ever imagined or encountered in this lifetime.  Ongoing pensive sadness! For me, grieving days are longer, the nights are so dreary… my body gets numb, and if that’s not enough, the world continues with its rapid hustle and bustle forcing me to balance my act or face its consequences. Life stops for no one – not the faint, not the weary. No one should ever attempt to face such a Journey alone; the burden is too heavy. 

As I grieved and in my sorrow, my soul cried out for help. My heart ached for God and the perfect new Heaven and earth where there would be no more sickness nor death; my lips dared not speak lest they complained bitterly and daily about how bewildered I felt. I hid myself in Christ, sat at His feet in silence and trusted His strength to carry me through the rest of my Journey. He gave me renewed hope and cheer – He gave me coping strategies. 

I find God’s strategies to cope with grief very comforting and way better than what I had in mind to get through this difficult season that I face. While I found that pursuing His ways takes courage and commitment, I also found that “casting my cares on Him because He cares for me” (1 Peter 5:7) is more than just word of mouth. It is no easy feat… but I discovered that it becomes easier once I allowed God to help me get started. 

How I chose to overcome grief may not work in the same order for everyone reading this blog but I wanted to share how God is helping me to ease the pain as I journey through this season. As I take on each day, His Word manifests the truth that “His yoke is easy and His burden is light” (Matthew 11:30). Here’s hoping these steps will help you too:

Firstly, vent. 😤 Be honest and tell God how you feel (He knows anyway). I was very honest… maybe too honest… but… I told Him how I felt and how the pain felt unbearable.  I asked Him “why” questions and I told Him I didn’t think it was fair. I vented!  In tenderness, after venting, God reminded me that this was still the broken world… the same broken world that had sentenced His Son to die unjustly… He too was acquainted with unfairness and injustice. I sat penitential at His feet and listened to His side of the story; His story and His presence calmed my raging thoughts. 

Secondly, grieve. 😭 I grieved… I cried at losing my sister, Kerry. She was my only sister and the thought of moving on without her felt overwhelming. No more seeing her in person, no more phone calls… and no more texting. I cried… and cried… and sometimes, I still cry … but I have concluded that during the season of grief, it’s ok to cry; Jesus wept when Lazarus died and when He reminded me that He too was acquainted with grief and sorrow, I began to feel comforted. Grieving is normal but knowing that God could relate to my sorrow and grief continues to bring peace to my spirit. 

Thirdly, reflect. 🤔 I find myself choosing to ponder on the last five years and how God’s hand had orchestrated my every move… reflecting on my past gives me strength for my sorrowful days. I also find myself thinking back to the times when I knew without a doubt that God was with me. As I now reflect, one of the prominent times that I can remember is when I sought God about coming to Texas – as a side note… always seek God about every step you should take so that when rough times come… and they will… you can remind Him that He had said yes to you moving forward with that decision (another episode for another blog). That aside, as I pondered on God’s answer to me about coming to Texas and how He had said to “Go Blind” through a profound sermon, I remember being elated to “go”. In hindsight, I remember thinking that going blindly would mean being plunged into the unknown.  “Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger,” was what I had sung to Him back then in 2016, – oh the words we declare through our songs! 🙄 My reflection reminded me that I was on a faith journey. My mind and body is finally starting to catch up with my spirit as I am reminded that God was there all along; He is with me on this Journey. He never left… He will never leave. Healing has begun. 

As healing continues, I am also realizing that throughout the past years, our family was extremely blessed to not have had the loss of an immediate family member due to terminal illness. This blessing may have been taken for granted  but I’m so grateful today that we still have an opportunity to love on those of us who remain. My heart goes out to those who have experienced loss over time and have had to put on a brave face then clothed yourself in strength to catch up with a world that stops for nothing.  As difficult as it is… vent, grieve and reflect… but when you’re done, find comfort in knowing that you are not alone; God has been with you all this time. He will never leave you nor forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:8). Take courage and rest if you must but don’t you quit!

Until such time, walk good!

Keisha-Marie 

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In Our Journey Episode 7, I wrote at length about the ‘valley of the shadow of death,’ and little did I know that it would have been the last episode before Kerry transitioned Home. As I reflected on how God led us through this Journey following Kerry’s passing, I had no plans to write another episode. Absolutely none! Yet in my grief, the Holy Spirit beckoned me to write: “I don’t know what to write,” I heard myself muttering to Him, “what else could there possibly be to say since You’ve called Kerry Home?” I stopped, listened, reached for my phone then started typing; apparently, the Journey wasn’t over. 

Many people turn away from God when their Journey leads to pain, when they’re disappointed with an outcome or when they feel their prayer was not answered. God wants to reason with us about this: While we were praying for Kerry’s miracle – we prayed from a good heart – she was our loved one and we believed that it was God’s will for her to be healed. We trusted God to heal her… not by taking her Home but by healing her here so we could spend more time together… we wanted her to be here with us in our everyday lives, we wanted her to fellowship with us and for her to see her children grow up to be God’s masterpiece. We knew she had several visions that we wanted her to see through; we felt robbed of her time to fulfill those dreams. We wanted… we wanted… we wanted… God wanted? 

Unquestionably, God wanted Kerry healed too… but He also wanted her Home!  Personally, while I would have preferred otherwise, based on past experiences, I unreservedly conclude that God’s will is always a better plan. Why? Because He sees the future and the bigger picture while we only see what’s immediately before our eyes – the present.  The issue of TRUST now becomes an important lesson for Our Journey!

The God who created the universe has a plan for our lives… (Jeremiah 29:11) and we must learn to trust His plan all the way. I trusted that God would heal Kerry (we both agreed on that part of the plan) but I wanted her to be healed here and He wanted her healed at Home. Of course, I pouted!  Isn’t pouting what we’re supposed to do when we don’t get our own way… well – I pouted… and maybe… just maybe I shouldn’t have … but healing her at Home wasn’t what I wanted! 🤨 I was sad 😔. I am missing my sister, my niece and nephew are missing their mom, my own kids are missing their aunt, and I could go on and on with the reasons that I think Kerry should have been healed here… in fact I could argue too that she didn’t deserve to be in so much pain! She really didn’t… but truth be told – sickness and pain are outcomes of this broken world. Reassuringly, we know that when children don’t get their own way, even though they pout, they don’t stay upset for a very long time with a loving dad… it may take a longer time for some than for others to come around but after a while, children end up realizing that father (or mother) loves them and wants the best for them. This works the same way with our Heavenly Father and whenever we’re done pouting, He’s right there with opened arms ready to receive us. I ran to Him! I’m learning to trust!

Kerry’s absence from the body may have left a big hole in our hearts but we know she is present with the Lord and free of pain; the love we have for her will never fade. We will treasure her memories and be thankful each day for the legacy she left us. While we miss her wholeheartedly, we can’t wait to see what our good Father has in His “bigger picture” … that which we cannot see.  We will take the time to heal and wait on Him to show Himself as the good Father He is. We will believe His word that the steps of a good man are ordered by God… we will trust that Father knows best! 

As we heal and wait… and until such time, walk good!

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The valley of the shadow of death is a real place – no wonder God spoke through the Psalmist David to make sure it was mentioned in Psalm 23:4 KJV: “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”

Our Journey now feels like we’re going through that very valley – it’s a place that feels dark, winding, never-ending, scary and painful; it’s a place that emulates death in everything – including hope – it’s a place where everything feels dead. The valley of the shadow of death is a place where everything you touch, see and taste feels dried up, parched and broken… but notice I said “feels.” While the valley is real and feels final, it is through these dreaded feelings that we must continue to assure ourselves… we must never be afraid because we are not alone! God’s rod and staff are here to guide us; as His sheep, this is the season when we practice what we were taught over the years – how to trust and obey the voice of God even when pain hides His hands from us.

Kerry is in constant pain and her body seems to be rapidly familiarizing itself with the pain medication; when this happens, the pain subsides only for a short time and returns within hours… sometimes more excruciating than before. It is never easy to watch someone we love go through pain – we always wish that we could either take it from her or help her carry it through our own bodies especially when she gets tired and overwhelmed. This is never possible as near as we are to her – yet God is using the season and the moments to help us bond as a family and to stand with her through this ordeal. Humanly speaking, we constantly require renewed strength and God has been supplying this each day – this is how He has been helping us through the valley… moment-by-moment… day-by-day. His strength has been made perfect in our weaknesses and in our tiredness and exhaustion, we clothe our minds with His Word to get us through our fears.

“Fear[ing] no evil” requires us to be bold and brave but truthfully, there are days when we don’t want to be. There are days when we just want this sickness to just be over and done and for Kerry to get past this season and become well. Shouldn’t there be a timeline for anyone to travel through this valley? Our Journey taught me that God’s timing is never ours. While listening to a sermon by Pastor Steven Furtick a few weeks ago, I felt quickened in my spirit as I was reminded that God’s presence and Spirit doesn’t work in our timing.  What an eye-opener this is for me as my family continues to pray and believe for God’s manifestation on Our Journey. The sermon reminded me that God is “unschedulable” and that while we don’t know what heaven has scheduled – God does!  

As we continue to pray for our miracle, we will continue to wait on God to make our latter days greater than our former days; we will continue to hold on to our confidence that God is going to bless us in the unexpected season! We will go through the “valley of the shadow of death” with every ounce of strength that we have left, believing that our God whom we serve continually is able to deliver us. We choose to believe that our God will “anoint our head[s] with oil,” and that our “cup[s] will run over.”  We declare that “surely goodness and mercy shall follow [us] all the days of [our lives]: and [that we] will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever” (Psalms‬ ‭23:6‬ ‭KJV‬‬). We receive God’s blessings over our lives and over the lives of generations to come. Hallelujah!

In ‘Our Journey, Episode 8,’ I will share with you how I see God moving and how through it all, He’s holding our hands. Until then, walk good.

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One night while I was still living in Jamaica, probably about seven years ago, I was closing my front door and looked up towards the sky (something I love to do, as if to find reassurance from Home)… for those of you who know me very well, you’ll remember that I’m from the ‘country’ and there are some things that a country girl can relate to… for example, at nights, there’s the sound of crickets chirping, there are also blinking “peeny-walley” as we call them, and another of my favorite things as a country girl is the ability to see stars because there aren’t many street lights to drown them out. As I closed the door and looked up to the sky, I thought to myself, “it would be so nice to see a shooting star… just for the sake of seeing it;” I hadn’t seen a shooting star for years and somehow, I felt like I just wanted to see one that night. I stared at the sky for about twenty seconds, hoping… wishing… that perhaps it would just happen in an instant… it didn’t! In my disappointment, I closed the door and went to bed… oh well!

The following night, I was doing my same routine of closing the front door before going to bed, only this time, I deliberately dismissed the thought of seeing a shooting star since it didn’t happen the night before. As I leaned forward to pull the door inward, I decided to take a glance at the sky and as I did, for a duration of about 5 seconds, I saw a star shooting downwards frantically as if to say, “you asked, now here you go… enjoy!” My eyes popped open, my mouth dropped, and my spirit quickened at the sight and awe that God did that just for me – my Heavenly Father was mindful of my disappointment and showed me a shooting star even without me asking Him directly. It was just a thought! That experience taught me a very important lesson that I hold dear even until today on our journey – God is not only concerned about us sharing His Gospel with the world… He’s also very concerned about our every thought, our feelings and our disappointments! He knows our hearts’ desires and nothing that happens to or in us takes Him by surprise.

Kerry’s diagnosis and sickness are no surprise to God; we know unreservedly that He did not give this sickness to her because sickness is the result of a broken and sinful world. In fact, God hates sicknesses and diseases… that’s why He sent Jesus to receive stripes for our healing – God wants us healed! Let me hasten to say that I am no expert on the topic of healing, and I cannot explain why some people are healed in this life while others aren’t. I can say however, that our family’s season of sickness is teaching me to walk in faith each day. As I share Our Journey and record how it all unfolds, I will continue to believe God and watch Him work in our lives as He manifests His healing power!

As our faith is being tested daily, there are some days that are darker than others with physical pain – Kerry’s daily symptoms include a lot of pain that sometimes don’t ease even with pain medication; prayers are constantly going up on her behalf. If God answered my innermost casual thought just to see a shooting star, how much more will He hear the prayers of so many of us who are sincerely intervening on Kerry’s behalf? I recently heard a speaker say, “when things are out of your control and there’s nothing that you can do, that’s a sign that the battle belongs to God.” I’d take this thought a step further and add that all our battles belong to God whether or not they seem out of control. Kerry’s cancer battle belongs to God – your battles (whatever they are) – belong to God! We believe that our Healing Jesus wants us healed and that we are healed by the Word of God. Let’s continue to look to Him for His help, healing, and intervention; He’s able to do exceedingly abundantly above all we ask or think (Ephesians 3:20).

In ‘Our Journey, Episode 7,’ I will share with you how God’s presence lifts us in our time of weakness. Until then, walk good.

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The past week was challenging for us as a family both mentally and physically; there were so many periods of heaviness and times of physical pain- yet Our Journey continues as we remind ourselves that the battle isn’t ours, it belongs to the Lord (2 Chronicles 20:15).

In Episode 3, I mentioned briefly how God sent His Word through scriptures, songs, and the prayerful support of family and friends. Our Journey has taught us to never take for granted the people whom God continues to use every day to show us His love. Family and friends make huge impacts especially during fiery trials.

Among the valuable lessons being embraced in this season, we’re also learning the value of friendship and family as we continue to navigate this hard-pressed road. We will forever treasure friends who came to our rescue when we launched a Go Fund Me in July 2019 to help with the expenses of Kerry’s cancer treatment. We were ecstatic by the overwhelming responses of those near and far who contributed to the cause- some of our contributors were friends we grew up with, others were friends we met along our more senior years and friendships we formed during adulthood. Still, there were also friends of relatives who felt our pain and were moved with compassion to give, as well as strangers who became “good samaritans’ feeling the need to show support through their generosity. We are forever grateful to everyone who allowed himself or herself to be touched by our need and Our Journey – great will be your reward in heaven, as Matthew 25:40 declares, “the King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.” From our family to yours… a big thank you! 🙏🏽🤗

As welcoming as friendship support is, our Journey would have been very unstable without the love and grace of extended family: our mom remains a tower of strength and grace as she continuously pours motherly love and spiritual intervention into our cups. Our dad continues to do his best to be brave in supporting us through the season and our aunts and cousins in Florida, New York and Canada have been in constant prayer and care for us through this trying time. This is also a hard season for our older brothers who will always have our backs no matter how much older we become as their sisters. The calls, the text messages, the visits are all appreciated and help us to know that we are not alone on this Journey. We take this time to say we love and appreciate all that you are doing and saying! It really helps! 🤗

As we continue in our fight and declaration of healing, we ask for your ongoing prayers. Pray that Kerry’s strength will not fail her as her body goes through the severe pain and ordeal of changes; pray that God will give us His peace and perseverance so that we may “endure hardness as good soldiers of Jesus Christ” (2 Timothy 2: 3-4); pray that our faith will remain strong and that God will continue to give us courage in the face of adversity. We will continue to stand in faith knowing that “God is faithful, [and He] who will not suffer [any of us] to be tempted above that [we] are able;” He will preserve us through this season and it’s going to be OK!

In ‘Our Journey, Episode 6,’ I will share with you how we’re coping with some daily symptoms. Until then, walk good.

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Growing up, Kerry was always the ‘go-getter’ while I was the uncertain one – she is always logical and knows what she wants to do… at least that’s how I see her. My sister is entrepreneurial and is always reaching for the stars – for example, in 2004, she started a bookstore and a computer repairs/accessories internet cafe – with Jamaica’s economy at the time, I still have no idea how she managed to pull that off for almost two years before she left the country. Her tenacity and determination to succeed is always motivating her to try new things! Her husband is equally zestful and the two are always up to taking on tasks that to the average person, seems risky. It was no surprise to the family that in 2018, they announced and started an international grocery store in Texas. Kerry’s determination and zeal are her signatory marks and I strongly believe that God has given her the same spiritual strength and courage for this season of pain. She has been very strong and brave despite the enemy’s attempt to steal, kill and destroy. Notwithstanding, we armored up and prepared ourselves for the chemotherapy (chemo) journey.

Chemo does not have the same effect on everyone and while the doctors do their best to help patients through its use, the reaction of each patient is highly subjective. After Kerry’s first surgery was done to remove her glands, the next step was to tackle the tumors in her liver and pancreas with an attempt to shrinking them. We prayed, fasted and trusted God to lead us into the process and to guide the doctors with wisdom and knowledge. Humanly speaking, there is always a feeling of fear that seeks to overtake us when an outcome is uncertain and the chemo pathway was no different… my eyes were opened to so many things in life that I had begin to take for granted. The first chemo was in the form of injections – those started in late August 2019. Kerry had to keep returning for the injection treatments as an outpatient and we were happy about this because she got to be in the comfort of home with her family.

About three (3) months into the treatment and by mid- to late November 2019, we were a bit saddened after the doctors tested and realized that the tumors were not responding to the medication. Kerry looked okay on the outside but the tumors were being stubborn. We fought hard emotionally to stay strong and every day God sent His Word through scriptures, songs, and the prayerful support of family and friends. With the unresponsive tumors, the doctors recommended changing the chemo and in late November to early December 2019, Kerry started taking oral chemo. To our dismay, within three (3) days of her starting the oral chemo, we started seeing some very discouraging signs. Almost instantly, Kerry’s body began to respond negatively to that treatment – her body was poisoned and as a result, she developed severe inflammation in her mouth and throat; she could not eat for days. Her face started swelling disproportionately, she was rapidly losing more hair, and her complexion changed to an even darker pigmentation – to say we became very concerned is an understatement! The new developments had sprung up so quickly and by the first week in December, Kerry was back in the hospital for two (2) weeks – she had to be fed through a tube. The season pressed us extremely hard but our faith remained anchored in Jesus.

Speaking of an anchored faith, I am reminded of the scripture which says,

“These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold- though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.”

1 Peter 1: 7 (NLT)

My family’s trials are many but we have chosen to not lose hope. We believe that God is with us every step of the way – we believe that through our trials, we are learning to love each other more; we are also growing in our belief and in our faith in Jesus. While our faith continues to be tested, we choose to trust our God with every fiber of our being just because we know and have proven that He is faithful! Hallelujah! In ‘Our Journey, Episode 5,’ I will share with you how family and friends can make a huge impact especially through fiery trials. Until then, walk good.

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